Aaron Ramsey: Wanted For Murder

This is the poster that is currently being circulated by law-enforcement agencies across the nation. It comes after Aaron ‘Rambo’ Ramsey’s fourth victim, Whitney Houston was found dead in her Los Angeles hotel room. People are advised not to approach directly approach the subject-although he has weak aerial ability and a dodgy left foot-he is still lethal, and very much at large, as shown on the weekend.


No worries, Arsenal fans. The aforementioned poster I can confirm, is not in fact currently being cirulated by law-enforcement agencies across the nation. But suspicions have been aroused following Whitney Houston’s death earlier this morning after this curious sequence of events over the past 6 months:

  • May 1st 2011. Aaron Ramsey scores in the 1-0 victory over Manchester United. The next day, Osama Bin Laden dies, ‘apparently’ being killed by US troops in Pakistan.
  • October 2nd 2011. Aaron Ramsey scores in the 2-1 loss against Tottenham Hotspur. Within 3 days, Steve Jobs dies, seemingly losing a decade-long battle with pancreatic cancer.
  • October 19th 2011. Aaron Ramsey scores in the 1-0 win versus Marseille. Less than 24 hours later, video footage of Muammar Gadaffi being shot and killed by Libyan insurgents emerges.
  • February 11th 2012. Aaron Ramsey scores in the 2-1 win against Sunderland. No less than 3 hours pass before his next victim  another body is discovered, this time it is that of Whitney Houston. Cause of death uncertified.

What do these events tell us? Well, the first thing we can draw from them is that details of what actually caused these well-publicised deaths are sketchy to say the least. We all know how corrupt, I mean, unreliable, new emanating from Pakistan can be, along with the USA’s questionable past concerning similar ‘propaganda’ techniques. Steve Jobs was clearly too great a man to succumb to cancer; I mean this is the man that created the legend that is Wall-E for Christ’s sake.

It also appears that if, as suspected, Aaron Ramsey is indeed the perpetrator of these attacks, then the context in which he scores his fateful goals does have some relevance. Grabbing the only goal of the match knocks out a World’s Most Wanted figure pretty quickly, whilst scoring a goal in a victory for Arsenal will only cause harm to one of the most famous singers of generations. Meanwhile, a consolation goal in a defeat will often take a longer amount of time to get through the world system, with Ramsey’s goal in the loss to Tottenham taking 3 days to have an effect on Steve Jobs.

It is desired that this unremarkable coincidence is just that. The fact that Aaron Ramsey did not score the weekend preceding Kim Jong-Il’s death in December adds hope to this thought. For the meantime, the man that they call ‘Rambo’ is not wanted for murder. But when he next scores, a host of big names are sure to be sleeping uneasily.

N.B. On The Futbol in no way endorses a manhunt for Aaron Ramsey. There is not a £10,000 bounty for his capture.


About James Gross

17 year old aspiring journalist.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Aaron Ramsey: Wanted For Murder

  1. Callum Jordan says:

    Whitney Houston died in 2012 and also didn’t something happen when he broke his leg

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